Log in

No account? Create an account
My Pathetic Ramblings...... [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | myspace ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[04 Feb 2010|11:09pm]
Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised

Don't think too hard about it,
You never thought I'd get this far,
Would get this far without you.
Relax, stand back and watch it happen.
I'll wave my goodbyes into the night and say

It's all in your hands but I'll do what I can,
So you can do what you have to

And she said, "I think we're running out of alcohol Tonight I hate this
fucking town And all my best friends will be the death of me But they
won't ever remember, remember So please take me far away Before I melt
into the ground And all my words get used against me"

But like a dream you disappeared
without a sound, without a trace
even if I knew what to say to you
it's just to late to make you stay
I'm sick of fighting this broken fate

But someone else gets to tell you
that your beautiful

It's all I can get when I'm lonely And these visions of death seem to own me

And to think that you will not be scared or surprised, I'd severed all these
ties, this is the end... I'll lose myself in
anguish for tonight help me get over you. I feel
so numb to see this bitter end it has come to this, broken
pieces will not mend
In my mind blood
drips from your eyes a beautiful last goodbye.

I've never told a lie,
and that makes me a liar,
I've never made a bet,
but we gamble with desire,
I've never lit a match,
with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames,
are getting out of control.
Call me a name,
Kill me with words,
Forget about me,
It's what I deserve,
I was your chance,
to get out of this town,
but I ditched the car,
and left you to,
Wait outside,
I hope the air will serve to remind you,
that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath,
and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest.

The ending's the same, past mistakes that you made, come back to haunt you

I know you
so better than the city in the rear view
I drive to
eliminate the ball that I'm chained to

Take me break me
every mile further there's a part of me that slips away
One day you'll see
Even if you got down on your knees you couldn't make me stay

Too late, I'm sure and lonely. Another night, another dream wasted on you
Inside I hope you know I'm dying With my heart beside me in shattered pieces that may never be replaced, And if I died right now you'd never be the same.
And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
So sleep alone tonight with no one here just by
your side
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you I want to
But I can't forgive you, So when this is
over don't blow your composure.

And I'm ok
Seems I just needed a break
Sat down but now I'm up again
And finding out I'm alone
My friends left me behind
And into another town
Where this boy is not around
And I don't blame them
I'd do the same

And now I'm alone again
Hey, let's write the story again
Where I'm your lover and best friend
Pack our backs and we'll leave this old ghost town behind
And into another town
Where this boy is not around
He made the mistake of leaving you
That was mistake number two

The quick bullet: a tough one to dodge
and no one ever does
It cuts fast and deep (keeps you from sleep)
And you just have to let it bleed
I know the pain,
it's all too familiar
If I could sing
words to help, you know I would

And they would end the pain
But you will have to let this make you stronger
It's difficult to overcome

The name of a ghost
still dancing on our tongues
So bittersweet, these memories,
I wish they could have taken me
And you will struggle through tough times
And destroy all your fears
Don’t let this win over you

Soon you will end the pain
And you will say that it did make you stronger
This is how you overcome

And we’ve all heard it sung, You really don't know what you got till it's gone, And then you want it back so much
Nobody ever warned you…

Breathe in, take in it deep
Cross your heart, it's yours for you to keep
Wishful? I guess I never was
I am looking up now, death can change us

I will, stand alone
I will, learn from this, I will
I will, mourn the loss and I will be stronger

sometimes perfection can be perfect hell.
together forever

[04 Feb 2010|10:56pm]
i think its funny how when it comes down to it, i regret and resort back to something like my livejournal when i need to break things down in my life and be a little emo.
i think ive lived 90% of my bipolarness through some type of journal, whether its LJ, or myspace blogs, or notebooks. i definately look to writing my thoughts as a way to cope.
i think lyrics are always a big thing with me too.
they put into better words to describe what i fail to express.

this is all about PGA2

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
together forever

dfighdkfhg deleted? [30 Mar 2008|09:44pm]
i am horrible at keeping up with you,
arent i?
and i went to see you
and i couldnt remember the link
and thought it got deleted!
i was so scared!!!
alot has happened.
hopefully ill update you soon.
running out of time now though.
together forever

wow [05 Nov 2007|04:09pm]
ive really abandoned you, havent i?
and my my look at that picture!
its so old!
theres not much to update really.
there was a fling with alex for a short while,
then he broke my heart.
and on saturday
devan asked me out and now we're dating!
but it really doesnt feel like we are because i dont actually know him all that well.
im not sure.
but ill just roll with the flow =]
hes sweet and cute and nice and makes me happy.
i guess thats all that really matters.
i want fruitsnacks.
together forever

so basically [20 Jul 2007|08:36pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

ive come to a few conclusions that i feel i need to update and wite down.
1. i really need a new picture on here, haha
i think that ive finally figured out that when it comes to.. like.. a couple, appearances dont matter. like if you think you are ugly and they still like you, thats not going to change and maybe humans arent really that shallow. i see it all the times. looks arent really everything.

and my other conclusion- there are two boys i like. theres dyllon, who is such a sweetheart and suprisingly kissed me last night, haha
and then theres justin. sondras brother. who within the past 5 days being with him 7 hours a day, has made me fall hard.
i cant even explain it.. theres just one of those.. connections. well i think so anyways.
i like him alot,
but hes one of those people who you never know if itll happen with.
i really like him though.
i cant even explain this in writing...
hes just one amazing kid.

together forever

alex [[txt]] [11 Jul 2007|09:48pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

Shelby: In wat way do you love me?
Alex: Every way
Shelby: Awee that was so cute!
Alex: Thank u
Shelby: Did you mean it?
Alex: Yeah baby
Shelby: <3
Alex: I love u
Shelby: i love you too

together forever

alex is motherfucking brillian beyond beleif. [11 Jul 2007|09:48pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Shelby: In wat way do you love me?
Alex: Every way
Shelby: Awee that was so cute!
Alex: Thank u
Shelby: Did you mean it?

together forever

sooo [11 Jul 2007|09:40pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

i got my nose peirced today
and ive pretty much decided
im a teenager
and im 17
i can screw around if i want.
im too young to settle down.
im not dating anyone therefore i shouldnt let myself be tied down to a motherfucking pot head faggot who already has one, possibly two girlfriends.

hes fun and decently cool.
but i dont need that
not right now i dont
im just gonna go out there and have a good time with whomever i please

my priorities

i loveeee:
alex dodd
alex majetic

all the other peoples who make me smile on a daily basis

together forever

Human Enhancement’s Future To Control Humans [14 May 2007|02:17pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

By:Shelby Brodhagen

The world has one long-term goal, perfection. People stride towards it every day in ways such as plastic surgery and make-up and it seems like everyone wants to get in shape. But what is good enough? When do people get to the point where they believe, physically and mentally, they are perfect? With continuing advances in science and technology, people are beginning to realize that the physical and mental condition of humans now might change in the future. The technology has already been discovered to change the way we think, act, and look; it’s ready to be used, but it’s not as wonderful as it sounds. Humans should not be robots; we do not need to advance like your average computer. We are and independent species and should not be altered by technological means.
When people think of perfection, people think of beauty or external perfection first. As it is today, people already do what they can to look perfect; the number one way is plastic surgery. Plastic surgery is becoming more normal than going to the dentist; millions of people are having plastic surgery performed every year. In fact, in 2006 alone, 16,248, 526 known people in the US had plastic surgery (American Society of Plastic Surgeons). That statistic doesn’t even include the people who had plastic surgery done cheap, underground or the people who had it done in other countries. That is 20% more people who had plastic surgery than in the year 2000. Every year, more and more people strive to look “pretty,” but what’s so bad about a unique world? If everyone had plastic surgery to fix their flaws and had perfect shape, skin, and features, they would be the same, that would make them just an average person. If everyone had the same changes made to themselves, beauty would lose its definition; even the most flawless person would be normal. No conflict is truly ended by beauty. Crazy alternatives have come out already for people worried about appearance. For example, many women routinely put on eye make-up, such as eyeliner, every morning. Surgeons now have a procedure that they call “Permanent Eyelash Enhancement.” They inject permanent color pigments between eyelashes so it looks like the lashes are thicker, giving the same appeal as eyeliner would. People that undergo this procedure would never have to put on eyeliner in the morning again. The extent people go to be beautiful already is appalling, and in the future it will only increase as newfound technology increases as well.
Even if everyone were truly beautiful, that wouldn’t be enough to stop conflict in the world. To make a perfect person, more than just a pretty face is needed; how about a pretty mind? People will have sharper senses, for example, or better memories and greater intelligence, but we already have this technology. People in the present already have the power to alter cognition, including memory, mood, appetite, libido, and attention through the use of psychoactive drugs. They have the power to replace body parts with natural organs, mechanical organs, or tissues derived from stem cells. Soon we will be able to wire ourselves using computer chips implanted into the body and brain. Scientists, by experimenting on mice, have already found a way to insert “smart genes.” “This points to the possibility that enhancement of learning and memory, even IQ is feasible through genetic means, through genetic engineering,” said Joe Z. Tsien, the assistant director of molecular biology at Princeton University who led the research team (Barnard). Scientists are already able to improve intelligence in animals, and that was back in 1999, think how much technology has increased since then. A computer chip implanted into the brain; now doesn’t that sound lovely? Picture this- it’s Saturday night and you want to go out with your friends, but your parents say no. You beg and beg them to change their minds, but they are persistent. Eventually they tire of your pleading and walk to their household computer to “modify” what you want to do that night. Does that sound fair? If they can control how we think, they can also control our actions; we are no longer people, but robots. Technology has already radically enhanced human capacities, so we are stronger, faster, and more agile than any other living system; but the capacities were provided by external means: rockets, cars, cell-phones, and computers. However, these technologies are slowly getting smarter, and the human-machine interface is getting more seamless. We are now, just barely, at the start of the upcoming stage, where technology gets directly incorporated, whether by implanted chips, neural interfaces, or by remote sensing capabilities. Even cell phones will be a thing of the past, we will communicate brain to brain, all the technology stored right inside our head. “We move from the natural organism, Humanity 1.0, to the natural/artificial hybrid, Humanity 2.0” (Bostrom and Roache)
Some people are already living beyond 120 years old, and longetivity records keep being broken. Disease is largely a thing of the past. You no longer see children with the sicknesses of decades ago, such as polio or the measles. Designer babies, babies genetically altered, are commonplace, and some babies are even being born with engineered genetic traits that they will pass to their own children. Parents, with enough money, can already choose the gender of their baby; so why not be able to choose hair, eye, and skin color? In 2000, Adam, the first boy cloned, was more or less designed. Adam has actually been proven to posses the genes he was designed with. Those were not merely taken, or passed down from another person’s, like his parents, but selected to give Adam specific traits. “The combination of genetic knowledge with reproductive technology already allows parents to select some of the genes they pass on to their children. Someday it may even enable the creation of human genes, and traits that have never existed. It is possible that our children’s children’s children will be engineered to live longer and be healthier, stronger and more intelligent than any generation before them.” (Krensen) Who are we to decide our children’s purpose? Shouldn’t we just accept kids the way they are supposed to be, with their own traits naturally given to them? What they should look and act like? Every child hates being controlled by their parents the way things are presently, but this goes far beyond that. We wouldn’t even be able to comprehend the fact that were being be controlled, the power to think of something simple like that would be beyond our reach. So with that in mind, are we really even advancing?
The study of genetics isn’t all that bad, and the goals are not always that radical. Some scientists are working to prevent and ultimately end diseases. In the future, children could be designed to resist cancer, heart disease, mental illnesses, AIDS, and other human diseases.
There are a lot of scientist who focus mainly on a perfect race, using the technology and research they have learned for less important things such as children designed for superhuman strength, sunny disposition, flawless beauty or photographic memory. People are on the brink of the next plateau of technology and they are going about it in the wrong way. Many researchers believe it will be years before doctors can slip genes into our DNA easily and flawlessly. They do not have everything figured out yet but they are getting very, very close. Technology should advance, yes, and humans should advance, yes; but humans should not advance technologically. Humans should advance naturally, and adapt to new coming environments the way they’re meant to. No matter what we do, nothing will ever be perfect enough; we are only human after all, or will that change too?

Works Cited
Barnard, Jeff. “Mice Who Go Beyond Mazes.” The Post-Standard 2 Sept. 1999, Nation ed.: A8.
Bostrom, Nick, and Rebecca Roache. “Human Enhancement.” Human Enhancement. 2007. 24 Apr. 2007 <http://www.nickbostrom.com>.
Crensen, Matt. “Adam and ‘Eve’: Beyond Cloning.” Carroll County Times 19 Jan. 2003: B4.
Lawton, Graham. “The Incredibles.” New Scientist 13 May 2005: 32-38.
“Permanent Eyelash Enhancement.” Scott co.-Wilton & Durant Area unknown ed.: 16
American Society Of Plastic Surgeons. “2000/2005/2006 National Plastic Surgery Statistics.”. 2007. American Society Of Plastic Surgeons. 24 Apr. 2007 <http://www.americansocietyofplasticsurgeons.com>.

together forever

life. [07 May 2007|11:11pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

kay, so last week i forgot my glasses on the ledge in my room at my dads, and its one of thoses textures ledges, like the wall, and i came back to my dads tonite only to find out someone had taken them and scratched the fuck out of the lenses and frames scraping it all over the ledge.

and my dad didnt even fucking care. D=

if they were casey's (my sister's) glasses, it would have been such a big deal.
but no.
just shelby's.
so who cares.

and then my dad goes on to say i'm full of myself for thinking someone in the house did it on purpose.

no fucking shit i do.

it doesnt happen to anyone else.

im the only person whose stuff get ruined around here.

coincidence? um. no.

and then he told me to grow up.

what the fuck?

i paid for those perscription glasses out of my own pocket. no insurance, nothing. i never asked for help once.
i fucking hate this house.

srsly. what did i ever do? i did nothing.
im not a bad kid. i get semi decent grades. i never get in any trouble out side of home.

but i get grounded for doing shit like forgetting to put the dishes away, or for having 1 candy wrapper on the floor, or a peice of paper. or not having my bed made right. or not emptying the garbage with one thing in it. or not putting the recycle bin back in the same exact spot.. but 2 inches NOT KIDDING, TWO FUCKING INCHES away.

and i need to grow up?

this is hell

and noone fucking cares in this house. my dad doesnt give two shits about me unless its going to make him look bad. NEWSFLASH! you dont give a damn! you never do! the past five years i have heard "i dont really care" out of your mouth 100 times more than i've heard the words "i love you".

and you say all i care about is myself?

i ask for a few bucks to eat supper at work and you throw a fit over how selfish I am?? when you have a gorgeus house, and yours and her kids have everything. all the love and attention. BUT IM SELFISH???

no, youre right, things could be worse.
i could be abused.
but beleive me on this one, physical pain is MUCH better than emotional pain. anyday.

shoot me in the fucking leg.
but at least care about me.

i'd take it any day

honestly. what happened?
when did i go from the "great daughter" to the person you pretend doesnt exist. ever.

just because you have new, perfect kids, doesnt mean you have to forget about me.

when i do something wrong, i get punished like i robbed a bank.
but when i do something right i get ignored.

well guess what. i dont care about your goddamn rules anymore. why should i?
13 months and i will be gone.
the only one in this house that wil hear from me is casey, the one person here that actually cares about me and loves me.

thank god i at least have her.

someday, when i havent spoken to you in years, you will have realized how bad you fucked up. and how you should've cared. like a parent is supposed to.

at least casey and jacob will grow up normal. in a decent family. and will always feel loved. thats the one bit of respect i have left for you bastards. that they will never have to endure this pain.

this is the last straw.

oh, and one last thing.


together forever

i wish [02 May 2007|10:41pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

it was possible to be happy all of the time.
i feel super sad
happens i guess...

im so sick of getting happy over something, just for it to stop later, after my hopes have been up. i just wish that happy feeling would last forever.
i wish i wasnt so alone...

together forever

kay so i [28 Apr 2007|12:21pm]
[ mood | in pain ]

shoved the white guge into my left ear and put the taper through my left. ow. haha it still hurts but idc. hopefully the right will heal soon so i can put in the other white one

together forever

so, [27 Apr 2007|10:36pm]
[ mood | awake ]

im in a really, realllly good mood. i dont exactly know why. well. perhaps i do but it isnt something i would put in a public journal, lol. im sitting on the couch watching a movie called Carrie. its old, like eighties old, or earlier. its really weird, but its still pretty interesting. but yeah. umm
i dont know what to right. ive been kind of lazy with my lj lately, in fact im terrible at updating it.
i need someone to talk to but i dont want to call or message anyone.
commercial's over.

together forever

testing 1..2..3... [30 Mar 2007|02:21pm]

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
aleXxX kills ghosts for me XD
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Casey.. pwnd forever, duhh

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


this is jesse. he is AMAZING...


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


if i forgot you, let me know.

casey- i dont think i've ever met such a good person as him. XD

pretty much the coolest 13 year old i know

this kid makes me laugh so hard..

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

together forever

hypnotism [08 Mar 2007|06:27pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

for those of you who dont know, a hypnotist came to school yesterday, and wooo! i was one of the lucky ones to get hypnotized, it was a really interesting experience, to say the least. i only remember bits and peices but its like... you still think normal and you feel like your in control, but you mind is subjecting to what the hypnotist says, like you feel like you could get up but you dont? its really hard to explain. i really want to see the tape and pictures of it, but they havnt been released yet ...they will eventually. 
i can wait.
anyways, im soo pissed. i busted my ipod. dropped it on cement at alex's... no movies no music, no nothing, it sucks. ipod suck this is what.. my 3rd? 4th? ipod. ugh.
oi vey,
anyways, thats all my ranting for today.

together forever

meeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh [04 Mar 2007|10:03am]
my hand hurts, here i come ER!
[[i think its broken]]
together forever

the secret. [25 Feb 2007|06:38pm]

alll gone. 
let me know if you hadnt figured it out yet.

together forever

i need help? [24 Feb 2007|10:40pm]
[ mood | lost ]

have you ever noticed, how the worst things for you, make you feel better than anything else would? i mean really, like if your upset about something, noone can just say something and calm you down, not usually its something you have to deal with on your own, in your own way. 
im just saying.
i was pretty upset today.
understatement, im not sure what really set me off.
stress from everything i guess and just problems in general. 
and i just... idk
im fine now. 
i vented, which is healthy, beleive it or not, and im okay. 
anyways, i better get back to history day.

together forever

nerd. [24 Feb 2007|01:54pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i'd like to point out im in a really good mood.

together forever

momo [17 Feb 2007|01:37pm]
heres the whole story.
momo and katara just had more babies, like 10 so decided to separate them. separating couples theres a 50/5o chance the mother would eat her babies, so i had to keep him near her in case she started because putting him back would make her immediately calm down.
i took him out and spent a few hours with him, petting him, playing with him, kissing him, when i had him set down, it was in a converse shoe box right next to me, so i could keep a close eye on him so he didnt run away or get attacked by the cats, i even took him in the bathroom with me. i talked to my mother on the phone and she agreed to take me to the store and buy him a new habitat, i could never get rid of him.
we knew he couldnt stay in a shoe box, he could get out, or the cats could get in, and taking him with could kill him form the harsh cold. so my brother in law upstaird loaned me a old beta fish/small animal holder [[plastic, latched on the top]] so that momo could go in it while i went to the store to get him a bunch of stuff. he could be safe. we got him EVERYthing. and 50 dollars later i left the store, satisfied that momo would be happy in his new habitat.
we got home.
i went in the house first.
i saw one of my cats sleeping in a basket and i kissed her on the head as i walked towards my room.
in my room.

i noticed the case/tank was not where i left it, instead it was sideways in a box below what i had set it on. i looked in. the thing appeared shut, however, no momo inside it. i immediatly started crying and whimpering.
my mom walked in the house and heard me crying, "whats wrong?? what happened??" she yelled
i didnt respond, looked around the room, and i knew. i had lost him, forever.
then my mom yelled for me to come into the liveing room immediatly.
i did, thinking maybe the cats just played with it. maybe he was only hurt. we could take him to the vet and they could fix him.
as i walked to the living room, i realized, that was not an option.
i looked towards the ground and started screaming and sobbing uncontrollaby at the mouse in peices on the floor.
i collapsed.
that was my baby
i should have stayed home,
i thought he was safe,
and my carelessness cost him his life.
the afterwards events i dont wish to share, they consist of my mom screaming at me about how this was all my fault and trying to make me clean up the mess [i couldnt even look] and she eventually did.
i just..
noone understands.
everyone thinks, "it was just a mouse"
but that mouse was a part of me, my baby, my friend.
its like losing a dog, that mouse, meant soooo much to me.
i cant even explain.
im sorry momo and i love you.
i finally picked out names for the first litter [[there were only 2, both girls]]
moma [[for the one that looked liked momo]] and february, in rememberance of her father.
im going to keep one from the new litter,
and find good, safe homes for the rest.
i cant keep them all.
id love too, but thats not an option right now.
i dont feel like writing anymore, im going to sleep some more. bye.
together forever

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]